It is with great sadness that I report that my beloved Seamus, distraught by the prospect of his dear little girl entering puberty, used his newly aquired crossbow to end his life.
Fortunately, we had plenty of Guiness in the house, so I poured some of that miracle libation down his gullet and he came to, pulled the bolt from his throat, plugged the hole and finished the Guiness!
We plan to bring a lawsuit against the villian who put the crossbow in the hands of an obviously unstable individual. Isn't there a 3 day waiting period? This black market brigand killed my Seamus as surely as if he'd pulled the trigger himself!
I will be circulating a petition throughout the reenactment community to have the provider of said crossbow (who shall at this time remain nameless although it starts with an "E" and ends with a "ric")tarred, feathered, and run out of town on a rail!
We now know he was trying to unload the crossbow because it is cursed. Not only did it kill Seamus, but it has twice injured me and once fallen on Button the famous gonad chomping pooch. She's ok, we revived her with some Guiness, although Seamus was quite reluctant to share his beloved beverage!
I think we may have to perform an exorcism on the crossbow from hell. Any suggestions?
Although Seamus is fine now, he needs plenty of Guiness to help heal the wound from his suicide attempt, so if you wish to pay your respects send Guiness! Cases are preferred but six packs will be gratefully accepted! We estimate he may need a steady supply of Guiness for about 20 years to achieve a complete recovery, so keep them coming!
Be on the lookout for Major Reeder, the peddler of doom!
God bless all,
Missus Seamus
Subscribe to Recent Stories
Why do you...
... think it was so inexpensive?
Anti-demonic possession insurance for weaponry is expensive! Heck you were lucky with the sword!
2nd Lt Eric R. Reeder
United States Army
Corps of Topographic Engineers
"Hawks and Eagles fly like Doves"
2nd Lt Eric R. Reeder United States Army Corps of Topographic Engineers "Hawks and Eagles fly like Doves"
My Sincerest Condolences
It's a shame you reveived Seamus so quickly. After all there's nothing like a good wake to kick off your post widowhood dating. :-)
(Jealousy is a wonderful reviver)
I would cheerfully put myself down for the tarring & feathering party but I do feel partly responsible. If it hadn't been for my enthusiastic sales pitch poor Seamus would never have been tempted by the fateful crossbow of doom.
But we do have to keep in mind the Major did get the crossbow from "Offadeadviking.com" & everyone knows no dead viking worth his mead is going to let his crossbow go without a good cursing. & there's nothing so hard to break as a good old fashioned Norse curse, ya you betcha.
To break it we'll need an ice fishing shack in the middle of a Minnesota lake in the dead of winter. Obviously we'll need the husbands to do the uncursing as this is after all man's work. I'll bring the salted cod, you bring the drambuie & matches. We'll seal them up in the shack for about a week. At the end of it that crossbow's green pom poms will have turned blue & the curse should be broken.
Or you could just leave the dang thing cursed. After all with the progeny approaching puberty & setting off Seamus' self destructive tendencies it could come in useful. Because sooner or later she'll start attracting those hormone laden horrors known to one & all as TEENAGE BOYS. Dun dun dun.....
Just imagine. Button is recovering from a crossbow concussion when there's a knock at the door & you open it to find a walking testosterone factory. He says 'Good evening Mrs. Pratt, I'm here to pick up your daughter'. At which point Seamus slides up beside you, invites the young man in for a glass of port & a cigar. During their sojurn in the basement he offers to demonstrate the legend of William Tell. With one thrumming 'THWOCK!!!' your nightmare is averted once again.
1 crossbow & binoculars = $50.00
parental peace of mind = priceless
~Miss Patti
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind~Dr. Seuss
That insurance...
Can I get a free rate quote at Gieco.com?
Miss Patti, maybe we can have a wake anyway, after all there WAS a death, no one says they have to STAY dead before we can party, right?
I guess we'll have to leave the curse on the crossbow, we don't have an ice shack! I supposed the dastardly Major Reeder has one of those for sale as well!
Don't be too hard on yourself Miss Patti, Mike is a sucker for a smooth talkin' southern gal, so he'd have bought a case of small pox if you bat your eyelashes enough! Men, they just don't THINK!
Cheers!
Missus Seamus
Ya know...
... I still have a nice saber that only curses in Gaelic every third Wednesday
2nd Lt Eric R. Reeder
United States Army
Corps of Topographic Engineers
"Hawks and Eagles fly like Doves"
2nd Lt Eric R. Reeder United States Army Corps of Topographic Engineers "Hawks and Eagles fly like Doves"
airgead
Dá gceannófá me, cad costag e agus bha e mallacht?
will
I had a case of that
I had a case of that once.....pennicillin wipes it out mostly.
Seamus
"Im the damned Paterfamilia!"
My Gaelic is a bity rusty..
so could you be kind enough to translate for me?
Missus Seamus
Problem solved!
At the stroke of midnite I went to offadeadviking.com and lo and behold they have everything I need to get rid of the terrible curses associated with their products. Lucky me, it happens to work only if you buy it on 6/6/06.
For only 19.99 (plus shipping and handling) they will send me a kit to drive out the evil entity residing in the accursed crossbow! Of course, I have to allow six weeks for delivery, but maybe we'll all survive until the package arrives.
Now I just have to wonder what that sword has in store for us...
translation
Just asking Eric, if I were to buy the sword, what would the cost be and if the item was indeed curse?
Will
(kidding on being interested, just thought the cursing in gaelic was interesting!)
Crossbow 101
My Dear Widow Seamus,
For the benefit of your next husband, inscribe on that devil weapon, POINTY BITS OUTWARD!
"Never Apologize, It's a sign of weakness!
Cpt. Nathan Brittles
Pvt. Steve Henry
Co. A, 3rd Maine Volunteer Infantry
"Bath City Greys
Exsorcism
Seamus
If you don't pay the priest for an excorsism, do you get re-possesed?
"Never Apologize, It's a sign of weakness!
Cpt. Nathan Brittles
Pvt. Steve Henry
Co. A, 3rd Maine Volunteer Infantry
"Bath City Greys
BUT IM NOT DEAD! IM GETTING
BUT IM NOT DEAD!
IM GETTING BETTER, i FEEL LIKE DANCEING.
seamus
"Im the damned Paterfamilia!"
Oh shut up....
... you'll be stone dead inna minute.. Don't be such a baby
2nd Lt Eric R. Reeder
United States Army
Corps of Topographic Engineers
"Hawks and Eagles fly like Doves"
2nd Lt Eric R. Reeder United States Army Corps of Topographic Engineers "Hawks and Eagles fly like Doves"
Yeah Seamus, hush up
& take your death like a man.
Vicki & I have big plans for your wake. You're going to make a lovely corpse. & I have a couple of eligable bachelors lined up for when the widow comes out of her mourning.
~Miss Patti
(This is what you get for stabbing my husband with a cursed sword)
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind~Dr. Seuss
and with a prick upon my
and with a prick upon my thumb soething wicked this way comes..
Enter SEAMUS from stage left........
"Im the damned Paterfamilia!"